Aftermath

Regret... Regret... Regret...

“You
You’re my mask
You’re my cover, my shelter
You
You’re my mask
You’re the one who’s blamed
Do
Do my work
Do my dirty work, scapegoat
Do
Do my deeds
For you’re the one who’s shamed…”

- Metallica, “Sad But True”

I feel shame for the first time. I don’t like it. So much power, so easy… just like on Toprawa. The instructors tried to get me to “unleash” and “release” all of my emotions in combat. But the emotions I had didn’t make me want to fight. I never understood why they always wanted to make us angry…... until now. I was frustrated. My friends were fighting for their lives, and I couldn’t land a single blow. Every time I’d swing the saber, it would miss. I felt the frustration build up, until… I don’t know. It just exploded. I moved faster than I’ve ever moved before. Nobody could have dodged that strike. I cut down the man trying to kill me, using nothing but pure hate. I hated him for trying to shoot Cam. I hated him for trying to shoot me. I hated him for stealing the navicomputer, for bringing us into that stupid labyrinth of a factory, for laughing as my first blows went wide. I know Cam saw me cut the thug down. There wasn’t really time to talk about it then, but I caught the look in his eyes. It scared him. I don’t blame him- I scared myself. But using that power was enough to stop the threat… wasn’t that enough? Why do I feel bad for even thinking that? I should stop fooling myself into thinking I wasn’t tapping into the dark side. While I was off twisting the Force in my anger, Rhya got shot and dragged off by that chutta of a bounty hunter. Great, more shame. How am I supposed to concentrate through all of this? No wonder I couldn’t fight Dam worth a damn!! I’m not used to this!! But I have to keep calm… because there’s that whisper again. It wants me to use all these aggressive feelings, and it’s so easy to do. Well, I like easy….... but not that much. I’ve got to keep a lid on this. I hope Cam doesn’t say anything to the others. I can sense his feelings… he’s not thinking about me. He’s plotting a hyperspace jump with Nessa, but his thoughts drift to… somebody like me? No, that can’t be right… ugh, lost him. Too distracted. Well maybe… maybe the temptation and the regret will just go away in time. Luckily, now there’s a chance to move on from that moon. I can focus on other things. It’s behind me… I hope. I wonder how Dad is doing? It’d be nice to find if the Bishop is still around- wait, Wasp is coming up to tap me on the shoulder, thinking I can’t sense his presence in my trance. Haha, I think I’ll have some fun with the kid- wait, where did he go? Oh no, he’s going to put engine grease on my nose—-

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Knight_Of_Diamonds

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